The Carb-Orator

Desert Biking and Food - Low Carb Style

2008-04-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

Single Track mountain biking in southern New Mexico. Here is the trailhead. It got very dicey hereafter. This trail is rated a 3 out of 5 in difficulty, and I probably could have used a 2 or a 1 rated trail. I ended up busting my rear several times. It was 5 miles to the mountain in the distance. I had to walk it a few times. But a year ago, at 360 pounds, it would have been impossible. A year and a half ago, at 405 pounds, it would have been unthinkable. Thanks to low carb foods, which is a fantastic way to eat and live, combined with recovery from food addiction, I can get out and enjoy doing something that I always wanted to do - get sunburned and bust my rump on boulders and cactus.

Here's a recent low carb meal. Doesn't it look like I am suffering? This is Atkins at its finest. Those are stuffed (ground beef, cream cheese, garlic, parmesan cheese) Mexican Jalapenos - delicious. 6 ounces of grilled top sirloin, medium rare with Chicago steak seasoning, a green salad with tomatoes (Ceasar dressing added shortly thereafter). This is really eating and living well, according to my needs!

Too Much

2008-04-04T19:02:00.000-07:00

I've been eating too much. For the past several months, weight loss has ebbed and halted, although I am still down a pound or two since last fall. Yet the dieter in me craves more, faster, stunning, amazing, pounds lost every day and preferably overnight while eating desserts and laying around the house.

Uh uh. I hit a spell of traveling and work commitments in February and March that pulled me away from home, routine, and my home groups of recovery. Not good. I think I pushed up in weight during this time because I was eating foods that were "legal," but I was eating way too much of them. I stopped writing down my calories and carbs and used the old "eyeball" method of estimating. My eyeballs are faulty because they always estimate about 30% lower calories and portion size than actually present, and any judgment call goes in my favor. It's called addictive thinking.

After 2 weeks back at home and with my back into my recovery work, I've managed to right the ship and list no more. Weight is back below baseline in January, and calories are at a reasonable 2500-2900 per day, given my activity level. I am back at an induction carb level of 20 grams a day, but will eventually pop back up to the 40-50 mark. I have to make the effort to keep my calories and carbs legit though - no sugar free, sugar alcohol candies and meal replacement bars - these get me in trouble double quick. My body can't tell the difference between a Russel Stover's sugar free coconut chocolate candy and an Almond Joy. I get tricked into acquiring a taste for sweet and more, which always seem to go together for me.

For today, I'm back on track, and that's the best I can do for this 24 hours ahead.

God's Will

2008-03-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

Mountain biking on canal roads in the southern New Mexico desert is a solitary affair, even when partnered with friends. The Mesilla Valley yawns wide under a sun sharp as flint, mountains sentineled along the horizon. On this day the westernmost canal was flooded for the first time this year with water diverted from the Rio Grande, and will flow until late Fall with its Rocky Mountain melt. Some will be used by agribusiness and homes, and the rest will end up in the Gulf of Mexico, more than a thousand miles away.

The living metaphor of dryness in the desert, even in the midst of verdant farmland in the valley, occasions bonding with a higher power. As always, when I offer the slightest movement toward God, he comes. I felt his presence during this ride, in the wind as it whistled around pecan, in the small rock that stung my shins, in the soft murmer of the water winding south in the canal.

This kind of talk used to drive me wild. I heard some folk speak about God and His will, and the presence of God in their lives, and something switched off internally. I had no doubt that these deluded people felt as if God were present somehow, maybe like an observer from far off. But the concept of a personal God who transmitted grace and whose will could be known was like the Theory of Relativity - I just couldn't get my head around it. When I would hear these contented people simply mention God casually as a friend, like one mentions an item on a shopping list, I would feel a secret fear, unspoken, unknowable, deep and clenching, that maybe I was wrong. Maybe there was a God with a will for me and a relationship waiting to vector off from my current lonely state, like a parallel existence only better - finally - happier. And maybe I would never figure out how to tap into that power, and build that relationship.

What was the key that finally tumbled the lock into place? Surrender. I won't go into it in this post, but surrender is what opened the door for God's grace and will to pour out into my life, like the current in that flooded canal above. I got to a place of surrender by being absolutely clobbered by life, by my actions and choices, and by trying to go it alone for so long. When I moved towards Him, surrendered to His will, and laid myself bare to His presence, He came. He came and touched me with his love, grace, serenity, and hope. All I had to do was be willing to have Him, and He was there.

So when I think of God's will for me, I can get into all sorts of logic loops and circular thinking that spin me up into anxiety - I am back in MY will at that point. While I certainly don't know His will for me most of the time, what I usually know is what He doesn't want me to do. In other words, when I stay out of my will and wait for His will to happen, it always does. The surest way to get into His will is to get into positive action, which includes some kind of helping others. Not my will, but Thy will be done.

Dinner tonight really rocked. 12 oz NY strip, green salad, grilled yellow squash, calabacitas, and green onions, and mushrooms simmered in garlic and butter. Some no-carb Italian dressing and a few sprinkles of shredded parmesan cheese on the veggies topped it all off. I gotta tell ya, eating low carb is simple and it makes dieting a thing of the past. This meal lacks for nothing...wholly and completely satisfying, with plenty of heart-healthy fat and protein, and micronutrients to spare. No sugar or processed grain products lurking here, ready to make me fatter and wreak havoc on my blood sugar levels. Even my daughter got in on the act. Her meal of grilled chicken, peas, corn and grapes made dada proud. I'm not thrilled about the juice box (no sugar added), but I can't fight every battle. Lots of carbs here to be sure, but no bread or potatoes or sugary desserts - and that is sugar free ketchup as well. Pretty smart choices for Snow White, seen suffering here from red eyes after swimming lessons.

Action vs. Talk

2008-02-18T18:07:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I felt like sitting around (or lying around) in the living room and watching pay per view movies all day. But I saw the sun out there, bright as usual, and felt like I should get some motion in my day...take some ACTION. I loaded up the bike and headed downto the Rio Grande. El Paso County and the City, unbelievably, are coughing up $30 million to build the Rio Grande Riverpark Trail System. For once I agree with El Paso's use of tax dollars. This city bleeds its citizens, some of the poorest in the nation, for taxes. You can't find decent roads or clean highways, but you can find free services at local hospitals if you are a non citizen, and the city spends millions fighting off a copper smelter that would bring in millions of tax dollars and hundreds of high pay blue collar jobs to the region. But I digress.

The action of getting up and going on the ride paid off. As usual, when I get off my rear and get going, good things happen. Above is a picture of Geococcyx Californianus. The Roadrunner. He was pretty spry so I feel fortunate to have snapped this quick pic before he scooted across the path and into the river bank. These are fairly common desert birds, but I've only seen a few in the past couple of years.

Here's the river near Anthony, NM. I rode 13 miles north from El Paso on the trail to get to this bend. The river meanders through the Mesilla Valley in southern New Mexico, just before turning east and heading 900 miles to the Gulf of Mexico. During Spring and Summer this river is full and rapid in El Paso, swelled with irrigation water released from Elephant Butte, 150 miles north. The region is in a terrible drought right now, as is much of the West. Some friends of mine who farm are very concerned about the future of food production in this region of the country. For those who don't know, this area is one of the top pecan producing areas in the world. Lots of cotton, onions, lettuce, and, of course, long green chile and jalapenos come from here as well.

I love this sign. Every time I see it I think about the time I saw a rattlesnake in Chaparral, NM 7 years ago. It was late evening and the sun was very low on the horizon. I saw a stick, straight as can be, lying in the road. As I drove past it, I realized it was no stick. A lady in her car next to me leaned out and said Machuca lo! Which I think means "run over it." I declined, because I thought it was dead. When I swung the car door open and my boots hit the road, Mr. Rattler curled up quick as an oil change and started rattling in my direction. Back in the car I went, and the lady vamoosed. When I ride my bike past this sign I know that I am at the 20 mile mark and also that I may end up having to make a quick and wide detour at any point.

So what do you eat after a 26 mile bike ride with half of it against a 10 mile an hour headwind? I had 8 ounces of pork shoulder roast, 3 ounces of pico de gallo, 5 stuffed mushrooms, and a cup and a half of homemade coleslaw. About 8 grams of carbohydrates, total. This was a big meal...I had to eat it in portions because I got full pretty quick. But I had to eat it because I hadn't eaten much all day and I don't want to get into a cycle of not eating. I like the short term results of starvation too much...the weight loss is intoxicating but the end result is more fat, more weight, more misery. No thanks!

The Joy of Eating Well

2008-02-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

Eating well means different things to different folks. Eating styles, manners, and fare vary widely within and among cultures, and are largely a personal matter even when regional and religious preferences are taken into consideration. We love to eat, and the eating varies. I am no exception.

For most of my adult life, unfortunately, eating has meant trying to get as much into my mouth and down the hatch as possible before moving on to the next gorge. I don't know why that happened. I've spent a lot of time on this subject as you might imagine, but in the end it boils down to a simple truth, I like to eat, and I eat too much when I do.

For the past year, since beginning a low carb plan of eating combined with seeking help for my food addiction, eating well has come to mean something uniquely affirming for me. I am a simple guy -- I've eaten a lot of fancy meals (or at least I think I have) -- but food that is easy to prepare, fun to eat, and quickly cleaned up and tupperwared are the best kinds of meals for me. And when they include foods that feed my body and spirit, that is the gold standard.

Tonight's meal was simple and tasty. I put a whole chicken in the slow cooker this morning, coated it with Sate seasoning (Penzey's), and let 'er go. Tonight, the wife fried some cabbage with onion and bacon in a cast iron skillet, and I threw in some stuffed mushrooms I made yesterday (cream cheese, onions, garlic, cheese). It was quick, easy, nutritious, and low carb. I count about 9 carbs total in that meal, and that may be a liberal estimate.

Then I had some dessert. Pumpkin cheesecake and some sugar-free whipped cream. Another 5 carbs. Sorry for the crummy picture. But it tasted a lot better than it looks here. Recipe customized from the original good one by Sugar Free Sheila.

Let's contrast with the meal my (non low carb) daughter ate tonight. She is 3, somewhat picky regarding what she eats, and probably represents a typical kid in the U.S. when it comes to preferences at meal time. She mostly eats what we eat, but sometimes life calls for fish sticks and ketchup. We threw in the corn and the peas, so all in all I would call this a successful meal. Standards and ideals automatically adjust for a parent. It's part of the continuum of eating well.

Year One Bloodwork

2008-01-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

The final one-year bloodwork results are in. Good news! My numbers are the best they have ever been. Before going over the numbers, let me recap a typical day's nutrition. I used Fitday to calculate these values, which are representative of a typical day in my life food-wise over the past year.

Total calories: 3,242 per day

grams - calories - percentage%

Fat: 251g - 2,263 - 71%
Saturated fat: 105g - 946 - 30%
Carbohydrates: 50g - 141 - 4%
Protein 182g - 730 - 23%
Fiber 16g - 0 - 0%
Alcohol 9g - 64 - 2% (sugar alcohols, my one vice...Atkins Bars)

The careful reader will note that this represents a daily consumption of 251 grams of fat, 105 of which were the deadly saturated variety, which everyone knows will cause your heart to rot and fall out. Combined with the low fiber intake, I should be a walking pat of butter with a heart the size of Rhode Island. Recall that the recommended daily intake of fat and saturated fat is 100 grams and 20 grams, respectively. By the experts.

But let's see.

During the past year, my bloodwork has steadily improved. I threw in numbers from 2006 for comparison. As you can see, my numbers weren't all that bad for someone who weighed 400 pounds compared to many others (I don't have a gall bladder). But the steady improvement is undeniable, and I am anything but svelte at my current 296 pounds and BMI of 40. I am NOT on any cholesterol lowering drug or specific regimen.

October, 2006 (baseline 400 pounds)
Triglycerides: 211
Cholesterol: 206
HDL: 45
LDL: 142

February, 2007 (2 months low carb)
Triglycerides: 117
Cholesterol: 142
HDL: 48
LDL: 71

August 2007 (8 months low carb)
Triglycerides: 95
Cholesterol: 161
HDL: 55
LDL: 87

January, 2008 (12 months low carb, 296 pounds)
Triglycerides: 68
Cholesterol: 139
HDL: 60
LDL: 65
VLDL: 14

So with all that fat intake, and saturated fat off the charts according to the experts, my triglycerides dropped 67% (211 to 68), total cholesterol dropped 33% (206 to 139), HDL cholesterol increased 33% (45 to 60), and LDL cholesterol dropped 54% (142 to 65). My HDL/LDL ratio is .9 (anything above .3 is considered great, but not everyone agrees that this is a good indicator of risk for heart disease).

These numbers and the clinical experiences of thousands of others who eat a low-carbohydrate diet often demonstrate the primary effects are decreased cholesterol and triglycerides and an improved lipid profile overall. Other scientific evidence indicates improved blood sugar profiles for diabetics, reduced appetite and hunger, improved energy levels and, of course, weight loss. An industrious search for these supporting data can be found all over the internet. One could start here. Or here. Or here. Or here. Or here.

I have lost 109 pounds following a fairly strict low carb (<50 grams per day) diet for the past year. But along the way a miracle happened. I stopped dieting and began living. I no longer count and measure food. I don't struggle to turn down high carb foods (today I joyfully picked up a pizza for my wife and daughter and sat with them and laughed while they dug in and I had my low carb meal). It's not an option for me to go back to the rapid heart rate, the sweating, the stuffed feeling, the bingeing...all due to a sugar and carb allergy that I never knew I had. When I was separated from carbohydrates and sugar a year ago my life changed dramatically and permanently. I invite anyone who suffers from obesity, chronic dieting, diabetes, food addiction, or overeating to try this low carb way of life (after consulting your doctor of course, and arguing if he/she disagrees). If you do happen to be food addicted, a 12-step program or therapy may also be indicated. Low carb eating makes a wonderful food plan because it is versatile, portable, and eliminates calorie counting. Salud!

I Am Obese and It's All Our Fault

2008-01-20T05:48:00.000-08:00

Last week witnessed a mini-flurry of internet stories which proclaimed that obesity is now "a lifestyle choice," or words to that effect. Apparently this is one of the premises (or at least the popular media think so) of the book The Fattening of America, by economist Eric Finkelstein. I haven't read it, don't know if I will, so I can't say anything about the book. But the threadbare spectre of blaming the ill for their disease once again confronted me as I scrolled through page after page of nutritionists and presumably thin folks piling on to fat people for being fat. The mothership of blame media, the NY Times, featured a glaring example.

If you are obese (and one third of you are according to the government), certainly you know the statistics. Certainly you have an idea of your cholesterol, your blood pressure, and the number of calories you consume each day. You certainly have a ballpark figure in mind when it comes to your weight. But what you also have, most certainly, is a significant amount of pain someplace inside that relates to your weight.

As America gets fatter, and the industrialized world along with us, we become more desparate, more fanatical about losing weight. The diet industry and big pharmaceuticals make billions of dollars from our pain. Our friends and family try to encourage us, and we do all that is expected, and more. We lose weight. We gain weight. We stay about the same. We eat, we starve, we fight, we negotiate. In the end, we give up. We give in to our culture, the money, the food, the stress, the pace, the overwhelming urge to eat what we want and just get on with life, for God's sakes. And we hurt.

And this hurt is what drives many of us to be obese. When we cannot find something to fill the place inside of us that longs to be filled, we eat. And when we eat, we eat what is available quickly and inexpensively. And then we hurt again. This cycle of pain-eat-pain drives many of us past despair to resignation. Yes, I am fat. Yes I will be fat, so what's the point in worrying about it. Here we see the "lifestyle choice" of obesity. It is more properly characterized as resignation to being fat and being in pain about it, because it is less painful to try to get on with life than to try again -- and fail -- to lose weight and become normal. Because we are abnormal. Abnormally fat. And this hurts a lot.

Last week I discovered that my body mass index (BMI) is now 40.1. According to the government, ADA, AHA, and all the other fat watchdogs, I am severely obese. Anything over a 40 BMI gets you that label. Anything over a 30 BMI is obese, for that matter. I have lost 109 pounds during the last 12 months (starting BMI 54.9, morbidly obese). I will need to lose another 76 pounds to be reclassified as overweight (BMI 29.9 or less). Then another 42 pounds to be "normal weight" (BMI <24.9). Such is the gauntlet of angst we obese must trudge to become normal.

These dietary gymnastics are intuitive to me. Put a chronic dieter, a bariatric physician, and a dietician in the same room and see who comes out on top of the food debate. Driven by the pain of obesity, lashed into a state of aggressive passive desperation, the obese chronic dieter can recite the nutritional content of any menu and discuss the latest New England Journal of Medicine article on the role of fat mobilizing molecules in obese rats. And along with all that knowledge, we have lived being fat. We know the deal. Solutions are fleeting as we become fatter and more resigned to being that way.

Under this lash of desperation I have found an approach that matches low-carbohydrate eating with an inner-directed search for love. Without struggling against my food, and without experiencing hunger, I have slowly, steadily lost weight and gained some understanding about the truth of my condition. The pain has diminished. I'm convinced that a spiritual solution is the only way I can stop using food as a substitute for love, or as a stop gap for my pain. It took me 20 years to understand and finally accept this way of living. But once I did, the results were immediate, effective, and long-lasting. For too long I saw the price of total surrender as being too high. And it is not without cost, especially at the outset when old ideas must surrender to new ones. When resignation turns to hope, and desperation turns to love, it's worth the cost at any price.

Seen and Heard in El Paso, TX Today

2008-01-13T11:50:00.000-08:00

Tumbleweeds happen during an El Paso winter. Usually they scoot across the highway in front of you, sometimes embedding themselves in your car's grille. It takes quite a while to pull the sticks from your radiator. Usually by the end of Summer you have picked the last straws out of your engine. This specimen greeeted me this morning in the backyard.

Heard in church this morning: "As the least of us is suffering, so are we all." Today we celebrate the Baptism of the Lord, when Jesus was baptized by his cousin John. When approached by Jesus for baptism, John was astounded, even incredulous. Who was he to baptize the messiah? Jesus made it clear that the baptism must be performed, because it was the right order of things. What humility and deep passion for God John must have felt at that moment. Can you imagine how his spirit soared as he poured the water from the Jordan over Jesus, and how his hands must have trembled when he laid them on Jesus' head, baptizing him in the name of God? I hope to think of that experience this week and apply it in my life.

From my backyard I can see Mt. Cristo Rey, which towers above the U.S.-Mexico boundary with Texas and New Mexico. At its peak is a 42-foot tall crucifix, carved by Urbici Soler, a Spaniard living in Mexico City, in 1937. The monument stands for goodwill between the U.S. and Mexico. It is often referred to as the "Christ of the Rockies." Last year on Good Friday I did a pilgrimage to the top of Cristo Rey. One can perform the stations of the cross along the way.

Here is a picture I took at the summit.

Lastly, here is a fishhook barrel cactus that I rescued from an arroyo that was being developed here in El Paso last year. I scaled a fairly steep embankment and popped this guy out, then carried it about a half mile back to the truck. It was a labor of love let me tell you. The local plant rescue folks in El Paso do a great job of saving plants that are about to be destroyed due to construction in the desert. This lettle fella seems to be adapting to domestic life. If you want to know all about this formidable cactus, this is a great site to visit. I have several species of rescued cactus in my yard, as well as some ocotillo and flowers that are native to the surrounding, beautiful, Chihuahuan Desert.

Predictable Mood Changes

2008-01-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

I love getting the way I feel changed.

It didn't take long for me to discover the fastest and most acceptable way to change my feelings: put something in my belly. As a child, changing one's feelings isn't reasoned out. It is observed and intuited. And repeated.

Parents and other authority figures are our best source of learned behavior as young children. For many who are addicted to overeating, we observed compulsive food behavior in our immediate families. Yet many also discovered the mood change that came with eating certain foods, eating too much, or too little, or by controlling eating times. These behaviors vary by individual and are often "discovered" as eating patterns evolve.

I worked so hard at changing my mood by eating that I would experience a feeling shift during the process of eating or acting out with food. These became powerful personality changes that started an addictive process. This phenomenon, along with a brief description of the entire addiction cycle, can be found in Craig Nakken's powerful book, the Addictive Personality.

The seductive thing about acting out with food and the events surrounding food is that these actions have powerful, effective results. Never did I fail to alter my feelings when I overate, or when I cruised fast food drive throughs, or ritually set up a night of bingeing and movie watching at home. When I search for solutions outside of myself, I am never disappointed. Temporarily.

Why doesn't searching for permanent feeling change in objects and events work?

1. The change it produces is not a real change
2. It causes an addictive process to form
3. Tolerance develops so more of the acting out is required
4. A high cost is associated with the behavior (i.e., obesity, illness, frustration, low self esteem)
5. The spirit is diminished and relationship with diety or higher power decays
6. Loss of things most dear to us as we wall off those who object to our addiction
7. The behavior always leads to frustration and real pain, which usually is more hurtful than the reason we acted out in the first place
8. Reality becomes distorted and addictive logic takes hold; those who care about us can't break ito the denial and we shut them out

There are many, many other reasons why seeking fulfillment in temporary actions and objects does not work. Certainly we live in a society that prides itself on individualism (while rewarding being part of the crowd) and an attitude of "hey man, it's a free country." So taking comfort in food is only a natural part of life, right? Yes, for ordinary people. I am not ordinary when it comes to food, and that was a bitter, ugly truth to confront...but it set me free.

The best reason I can think of for not investing time, energy, and emotions in food and acting out behaviors with food is simply this. The food and those behaviors cannot love me in return.

How Are You Losing All That Weight?

2008-01-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

I am asked nearly every week by someone who hasn't seen me in a while what I am doing to lose so much weight. Usually the well-meaning person has a genuine interest in me, but it's apparent that most people want to know how I lost the weight so they can use the same plan for themselves. Not that there's anything wrong with that, as the saying goes.

Without fail, when I mention the words "low carb" I see a dark cloud flit across their faces before they smile somewhat bitterly and say, "oh wow, that's great, keep it up," and change the subject. No doubt if I had said there was a new pill or new diet they would have stuck around to hear all about it. Not so for low-carb eating these days. Sometimes I get a comment like, "yeah I tried that, got sick of eggs and lunchmeat and gave it up in a week."

So many have tried low carb dieting and failed. In my experience, many first-time low-carbers buy the book and start out to "do Atkins." They go straight to the diet chapter and neglect to read the theory, history, and science behind the plan. They stop reading after they learn about induction, and they get started right away on bacon, cheese, and eggs -- for three meals a day. I know this happens because, well, er, I did it this way. Twice. Each time losing about 30 pounds in a month and then regaining about 40 in quick order. If there are subsequent attempts (usually on one of the other major plans, South Beach or Protein Power), these too usually fail because the approach is made as a diet and not as a way of living.

Coming up on one year of low carb living, I can say that I have never in my life eaten so well, so often, while feeling great and losing weight. When I was eating huge meals of carbohydrates, I was lucky to get one or two servings of vegetables a day. Typical breakfast was a bagel and cream cheese. Typical lunch was burger and fries, with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle. Typical dinner was three cheese enchiladas, 1 cup of refried beans, 2 cups of Mexican rice, a couple tablespoons of sour cream, and some guacamole with about three servings of tostada chips. Hundreds of carbs and nary a green vegetable in sight (I can't bring myself to count the pickle and lettuce from McDonald's as green vegetables).

Now let's look at today's meals.

Breakfast of three eggs cooked in real butter, topped with 2 ounces of sharp cheddar cheese and cracked black pepper. Five strips of bacon, one sausage patty. 1/2 cup of tomato and New Mexico green chile salsa.

For lunch, it was a large chicken ceasar salad from Olive Garden. About 4 ounces of chicken and 4 cups of romaine lettuce. I also had a cup of the house salad, a stuffed mushroom, and two spoonfuls of artichoke dip and celery.

Dinner was 5 ounces of chicken breast, battered in egg and parmesan cheese and fried golden brown, 1 cup collard greens garnished with bacon and red wine vinegar, and 1 cup of mashed cauliflower with butter, topped with cheddar cheese.

With my coffee this morning I had 3 TB of heavy whipping cream. For snacks during the day I had a south beach meal replacement bar, 2 handfuls of roasted almonds, and two string cheese. I had a dessert of homemade sugar-free cheesecake topped with whipped cream after dinner.

Total carbohydrates for the day were well under 40 grams. Green veggies? Yep, got em. Fiber? Oh yes, plenty. Hunger? Not a growl or a peep from my tummy. Because of low carb eating today, I get to rest tonight in total comfort with no heartburn or sugar crashes. Tomorrow will find me one day closer to my goal weight, and one more day where I don't have to overeat or binge on sugar and starch. What a wonderful way to live.

Food is Not Love

2008-01-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

It's ok to hurt sometimes.

The media messages we receive daily imply or clearly state that tolerating pain is optional. The central message is, if we can only make good purchasing decisions, our pain may be fully ameliorated.

I am interested in the way we are asked to use food -- in particular starchy, sugary foods -- to handle our pain. Paying careful attention to fast food ads, one sees the addictive process demonstrated unashamedly. "I can't believe I ate it all," "It's a guilty pleasure," "Taste the extreme," each of these ties in emotion and feelings with nutrition.

For many who suffer from some form of food addiction or compulsive behavior concerning food, the idea of being still and feeling badly is unthinkable. Of course pain avoidance is a universal human quality; nobody likes to suffer. But for those who tend to love themselves with food, the sensitivity to pain is somehow heightened. It's sometimes referred to as low resilience - small slights and mild discomforts are too much to bear, unless accompanied by the love we felt we needed and deserved. Especially as children, when the most readily available drug available to us was in the refrigerator, we hunted for a way to change our mood and find the extra love we craved. Many of us turned to food.

Fantasy coping schemes are not unique to overeaters. In fact, one could scroll through a long list of compulsions that are perhaps more deadly in the short term, more risky, less socially acceptable. Yet are any of these as insidious as the desire to eat for love? This desire is so attractive, yet ultimately the harm done meets or exceeds the harm experienced by those who abuse drugs, alcohol, or sex.

When it becomes necessary, in life, to eat to cover our feelings, we have lost control. When we cannot be still and cope with our pain in a manner that does not hurt ourselves or others, we are in the highest state of selfishness. With those first bites, we anticipate that feeling good is an option; that good feeling is just around the corner, about to happen to us (never within us). That next bite will surely provide the locking mechanism that snaps us into place with the good life. It will surely make us feel loved.

Sugar-starchy combinations of food seem to work best for such an eating strategy. A personality change becomes evident when the bolus of various sugars reaches our blood and, very quickly, our brains (even rats show addictive behavior to sugar according to Princeton researchers). Increased heart rate accompanied by rapid palpitations, light sweating, bloating discomfort, gas, and subsequent drowsiness and lethargy -- "sugar crash" -- substantially altered our moods and put us in a twilight state of dullness, and the pain was forgotten momentarily.

The reasons for the pain were inconsequential at the time of that first bite. Low esteem, guilt, shame, cynicism, debts, fear, anxiety, him or her -- any of these provided reasons for us to escape into food. Once again, we loved ourselves with food. Yet we continued to love ourselves with a substance and an event...the preparing (or procuring) and eating are what we looked to for love and relief. For a few minutes, we found it.

It's New Years - Again

2008-01-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

This new year is special for me. On January 8, 2007 I began following a low-carbohydrate way of eating. It began as formal Atkins, but over time it has morphed into a specialized way of eating that is specially formulated to match my lifestyle and dietary requirements. And the best part is, it was specially formulated by...me!

I am anxious to weigh in next week. At my last weigh in (September 2007) I weighed 317 pounds. I began at 405 pounds. I've had bloodwork done twice in the past year, and results in August were encouraging: Total cholesterol of 161, HDL 55, LDL 87, and triglycerides 95. Blood pressure was 140/70. Hoping that comes down a little next week when I visit the doctor for a one year checkup.

No matter the results next week, I can report that I have never felt better. Full of energy and my stamina for daily life is off the scale. Used to be, I would need a breather just walking down the street. Now, I exercise for an hour most days, put in a full 8-10 hour work day, and play with my daughter at night for a couple of hours, all with energy to spare. God is good. So is low carb living, eating, and loving. It's changed -- if not saved -- my life forever.

2006-01-23T15:48:00.000-08:00

March 2005

2006-01-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

On a bright, warm December afternoon in 1992, I entered a modest home in Del City, Oklahoma. My intent was to purchase a puppy. A Weimaraner puppy. Not yet made widely famous by the photographs of William Wegman, but a hard puppy to find nonetheless, especially in Oklahoma.

Among a litter of 13 little grey sacks of breathing flesh lined up on a flea-infested couch, I chose the one who was meant for me. All of the pups were sleeping, but the one I chose opened his eyes, looked me straight on, and licked my hand. From his little distended belly I could tell he needed worming, and he was eaten up with flea bites. But I cupped his belly and handed over a hundred dollars to the owner. He had no papers to give, and that was fine by me.

Straight to the doc for an exam, worming, and meds. I thought he was 8 weeks old but the vet told me 6. Almost too young to wean, but he was mine at that moment to do my best. He fit in the basket of the Petsmart shopping cart with room to spare, and his eyes were bluest azul that pierced his grey muzzle which was set off distinctively from the leathery tan of his nose.

Sekan. The name is my version of a Swiss hound dog’s name from a movie I had seen recently. Unique enough, I thought, to let him stand apart; regal enough, I thought, to keep him a step above; different enough, I thought, to keep other people guessing. My baby doggie was christened and thus began the life that would carry on until a sunny, windy, cold El Paso, TX day in January 2006.

There was a lot of life to be lived during the 13 years that Sekan held court, and I think we just about lived all of it together. Always by my side, never out of earshot, he was truly my shadow through times good, bad, and worse. A more traveled dog you will rarely find, save for a circus dog or train conductor’s companion. Sekan weathered Oklahoma, New York, Chicago, Atlanta (twice), New Mexico, and Texas. Travel buddies are seldom as easy to pack and load as he was, and he approached all car time with a smile, his ears pinned back, and nose to the wind.

The best things about Sekan were his eternally optimistic disposition and his ability to tolerate and adapt to change. Of course he had unconditional love for me; that is what dogs do. Yet his love transcended his dogginess and overcame others who spent time with him. Not a single person ever spoke badly about him, and no one who spent 5 minutes with him could forget him. Suddenly, his lean on your leg that came without warning. A gentle lick, a tender look, the eyebrows that expressed his feelings and thoughts without doubt. He would curl up next to you – or on you – and make you feel like you were the only person in the world that mattered. His warmth flowed into the middle of your heart and stayed there.

Even in his senior years, when my marriage and a baby forced a lifestyle change for the King, he accepted it with grace and tolerance. And the changes, of necessity, were major. Sleep patterns and places were disrupted; attention from me was down; competition for favors had heightened; the back seat of the truck featured a baby instead of my pal. But regardless of the circumstance, there was Sekan with his head up and his stub wagging. Even until the end.

Sekan helped me more than anyone will ever know. He was connected to me and I to him in a way that I have yet to fully understand. Losing him is much more difficult than I had imagined. My wife is saddened by his loss, and my daughter asked for him within an hour of our return from the Humane Society. Looking now at his empty bed, his chew toys scattered at favorite haunts, and his full food bowl, I can never say that my attitude or my actions ever approached even- steven with Sekan’s. He is the winner, clearly and without hesitation. He stole the show wherever he was, and gave to me far beyond what I was capable of giving to him.

He kept trying to smile, wag, and cuddle until the final moment, but he was weak and cancer had the best of him finally. He never gave up, and he never called in sick.

He went quietly to rest on that cold Saturday afternoon. I held him in my arms as he left too suddenly. He was ready. I was not. I’m still not ready to let him go. In time I will. God gave me a gift that is not so easily returned, and I selfishly want to hang on to him for a while longer. His ashes rest in our home, ready to be loosed one day when birds are nesting and that smell of growing things in the air is just right. I will know that day when it comes – a Sekan day – a day like the thousands we spent together doing something, nothing, everything. A day when my spirit will finally be as strong as he showed me to be.