God's Will

Mountain biking on canal roads in the southern New Mexico desert is a solitary affair, even when partnered with friends. The Mesilla Valley yawns wide under a sun sharp as flint, mountains sentineled along the horizon. On this day the westernmost canal was flooded for the first time this year with water diverted from the Rio Grande, and will flow until late Fall with its Rocky Mountain melt. Some will be used by agribusiness and homes, and the rest will end up in the Gulf of Mexico, more than a thousand miles away.

The living metaphor of dryness in the desert, even in the midst of verdant farmland in the valley, occasions bonding with a higher power. As always, when I offer the slightest movement toward God, he comes. I felt his presence during this ride, in the wind as it whistled around pecan, in the small rock that stung my shins, in the soft murmer of the water winding south in the canal.

This kind of talk used to drive me wild. I heard some folk speak about God and His will, and the presence of God in their lives, and something switched off internally. I had no doubt that these deluded people felt as if God were present somehow, maybe like an observer from far off. But the concept of a personal God who transmitted grace and whose will could be known was like the Theory of Relativity - I just couldn't get my head around it. When I would hear these contented people simply mention God casually as a friend, like one mentions an item on a shopping list, I would feel a secret fear, unspoken, unknowable, deep and clenching, that maybe I was wrong. Maybe there was a God with a will for me and a relationship waiting to vector off from my current lonely state, like a parallel existence only better - finally - happier. And maybe I would never figure out how to tap into that power, and build that relationship.

What was the key that finally tumbled the lock into place? Surrender. I won't go into it in this post, but surrender is what opened the door for God's grace and will to pour out into my life, like the current in that flooded canal above. I got to a place of surrender by being absolutely clobbered by life, by my actions and choices, and by trying to go it alone for so long. When I moved towards Him, surrendered to His will, and laid myself bare to His presence, He came. He came and touched me with his love, grace, serenity, and hope. All I had to do was be willing to have Him, and He was there.

So when I think of God's will for me, I can get into all sorts of logic loops and circular thinking that spin me up into anxiety - I am back in MY will at that point. While I certainly don't know His will for me most of the time, what I usually know is what He doesn't want me to do. In other words, when I stay out of my will and wait for His will to happen, it always does. The surest way to get into His will is to get into positive action, which includes some kind of helping others. Not my will, but Thy will be done.

Dinner tonight really rocked. 12 oz NY strip, green salad, grilled yellow squash, calabacitas, and green onions, and mushrooms simmered in garlic and butter. Some no-carb Italian dressing and a few sprinkles of shredded parmesan cheese on the veggies topped it all off. I gotta tell ya, eating low carb is simple and it makes dieting a thing of the past. This meal lacks for nothing...wholly and completely satisfying, with plenty of heart-healthy fat and protein, and micronutrients to spare. No sugar or processed grain products lurking here, ready to make me fatter and wreak havoc on my blood sugar levels. Even my daughter got in on the act. Her meal of grilled chicken, peas, corn and grapes made dada proud. I'm not thrilled about the juice box (no sugar added), but I can't fight every battle. Lots of carbs here to be sure, but no bread or potatoes or sugary desserts - and that is sugar free ketchup as well. Pretty smart choices for Snow White, seen suffering here from red eyes after swimming lessons.